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Archive for December, 2008

It’s almost the New Year.  As I sit and think about all the other new year eve’s past, I wonder, how could I be sitting in the same place again this year?  I don’t mean financially, that’s ok I suppose, I don’t mean spiritually, that has grown.  I mean in my private family life.  You put this face on, ones that are close, really close, know the truth.  “Everything is fine”, smile, wake up every morning and pull myself together to make a good day.  A day God would be pleased with.  I don’t accomplish that usually, however, I always set out to do so.  When I fall short, which I do, I rise up again and make a go at it again.  I have always been this way. Sure, I have many days that getting out of bed is truely the hardest task.  Yet I always seem to come back around.  It’s not me though, and this I know.  It’s God, it’s Jesus, the Holy Spirit yanking at my heart and encouraging me to keep going.  Sometimes I feel so lost, and he always reminds me that He will always find me.

These last few months have been difficult to say the least and all in all I think I am doing pretty good.  I did ask to walk through everything with His Grace on me.  On one of the days I didn’t get out of bed, the room was very dark despite the fact it was a beautiful sunny day outside.  I had the blinds drawn up about a foot.  As I laid there, trying to talk myself into just a shower, I noticed something, or rather God revealed it to me.  Most of my paintings come that way you see.  There I lay in this room of slate blue tones, and the blinds drawn just enough for the bright sunshine to come through. I could see the winter wore trees, their silhoulettes standing firm in the light.  My mind went to a song I love by Sugerland called I Will Stand Back Up.  There’s this one part that she sings, “and when the darkness tries to get me, there’s a Light that just won’t let me”.  In that He showed me, He won’t let me.  There is a Light that just won’t let me.  I got up, showered and treated myself to another day off.  Only this time, I smiled.  I smiled because He came to me again and reminded me, He is always with me.

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My Etsy Store!

Hello all!

I just finished setting up my store on the Etsy Site.  It’s pretty cool.

Check it out at http://www.carlaschuchman.etsy.com

Let me know what you think!

Thanks and God Bless!

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Artwork Sold

I’m so excited!!  I just sold a framed giclee print.  It is numbered and signed.  

Evening Dail

I was taking photographs in my studio, getting ready to set my on line store/gallery up when I had a knock on the door.  It’s all HisTORY from there!

I have one doubled matted and shrink wrapped available: 10/500

I have 4 available not matted, just shrink wrapped: 1, 4, 5, 6/500

I am so humbled.

Thanks God, Jesus, My HS

I love You!

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Thank You

Thank you to all who have sent thoughts and prayers and comments. It is very comforting to know you are out there.

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Dazed

It’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep.  My office is a wreck.  Little by little I have been trying to get back into my life.  I have been is a daze.  Bills are due and no work until hopefully after the first.  Honestly I know I can’t do this on my own.  But I realized I have been silent with God for a while.  I just can’t muster up a conversation, only enough to say, “I love you God, and I trust you.”

My actions don’t speak that though.  I drag through the days.  Putting off things I should be doing.  Things that might actually help me get through this.  A friend of mine told me it’s okay to take time to grieve.  I just feel lost.  Who do I call now?  Who will call me with the care and love she did just to see if all is okay?  I know this had to happen, I knew it was soon.  I didn’t even have the chance to talk to her like we always did before it all happened.  It happened so very fast.  I’m doing those “what if’s” in my head.

Oh Lord, I need You!  What’s the next chapter?

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Mom is Gone

Mom passed peacefully, quietly around 11:15 pm December 2, 2008.  My sisters and me were by her side.  Not wanting to let her go but knowing full well that was her wish. 

It was a difficult night for us all.  We watched as she started to fade away, we knew it wouldn’t be long.  One of my sisters had a seizer around 9-ish, while the nurses and my other sister tended to her I sat with Mom, letting her know she was okay, reminding her that she knew about the seizers and she was always okay afterwards.  It’s a fact of life that Les had to deal with and does so very well.  We could tell that took it’s toll in Mom, but she calmed and recovered for a short time.  We began to sing and laugh and talk of things that Mom liked.  She enjoyed when the three of us were together.  Put the three of us in one room and you get a beautiful strange combo of comedy, laughter and jokes only we could get away with in this family.  We are nuts!

As the minutes passed, I felt God press on my heart.  It had been asked so many times, why was she hanging on?  Many have told us that even though she could no longer speak to us she could hear us clearly.  I knew I must ask a question, I knew that Mom needed to know I would be okay.  See, I gently always tried to talk to her about Jesus.  She never really liked me too, but toward the end we had several small conversations.  She would ask a few questions, I would answer and she would change the subject.  When she didn’t like where a talk was going, she could change the subject faster than your mind could catch up.  Being in a Jewish family, speaking of Jesus just wasn’t an accepted topic.  I became a Christian, a Jewish Christian in 2000.  I wanted to share and for all in my family to experience the love, knowledge and truth I have. 

So, in what I did not know would be Mom’s last minutes I asked the sisters a question.  “Would you be angry if Mom had decided to ask Jesus into her heart?” 

I can say I was a bit shocked.  One answered with anger, “Yes!”  “She would never do that and she couldn’t stand you talking about that to her.  I know how she was raised, and she would never do that!”

The other sister answered a bit more gently, “ I wouldn’t be angry, but I would be upset.  That is just not what Mom believed.”

I thanked them for answering honestly.  I went up and leaned in to my Mom’s hear, I said, “Mom, it’s okay, I love you and I will be okay. Don’t worry, I love you.”

Within 30 minutes, she left us.

I am still hopeful.

 

After all the arrangements and we laid her to rest with my Dad, we came to the house.  In one day it was went through, distributed and almost clean. I have heard there is always some unfairness in this whole system and emotions are on high alert. I knew of how my Mom felt in her relationship with her Mom.  It was difficult to my understanding, my Mom never felt she could measure up.  She always felt inadequate.  I know that feeling so well being the youngest of three.  I feel I am almost never heard, my ideas are less than sufficient, and it seems that when I have a good one, it becomes someone elses.  I lose ownership.  I definitely know how she felt.  But I have been able to over come that.  I had a conversation with God about it, like so many of my conversations, He guides and directs me:

“God, I don’t understand.  Why do I have bitterness, some resentment and even anger about all this?”

“Do you feel you have been wronged?”

“Well yes!  I feel like I’ve been lied to, been taken advantage of and that for whatever the reason, I must be “less than” them!

“You are not “less than” anyone!”

“I know God, in Your eyes, with Your spirit and understanding in my heart, I do know that.”

“Then why have you forgotten?  Do you not remember I have said, you shall reap what you sew.”?

“Yes, I do Lord. I know it so well.   I see it all the time and it renews me faith and “the fear of the Lord” in me.

 Psalm 111:10  The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.

 “Then your problem must be in the wait.”

“Yes, I suppose so.  It just all seems so unfair!  The best of the best goes to one person, even stuff I don’t even know about, some even taken before anyone had a chance…..”

“Carla!  She doesn’t have everything!”

“I’m sorry God, please forgive me.  I know it’s just stuff.  It’s not about stuff, even if it is memories.  It’s just stuff.

“Your right, it’s not about the stuff.  It’s about something much greater much more important.”

“You God, it’s about You.  I got You. I talk to You. You are my heart my soul and my strength.  I got You!”

“And I have you.”

“I love You God.  Please have my Mom with You.”

“I love you too.”

 My sisters had to get back to their jobs and my husband and I stayed back to finish the cleaning.  One more time I would pull a Uhaul home.  Their whole lives were boxed up, distributed and taken away just like that.  As I walk through the house I remember so many times.  In the kitchen where Dad would cook his famous enchiladas, the table where Mom would teach me how to budget money, pay bills and balance a checkbook.  The living room where 35 years of holiday get togethers, friends, fights and long conversations took place. The den turned office where Dad did his business along with his hobbies.  The big bathroom that Mom and I shared and the talks we had, as we got ready for the day together.  The master where I would sit on the edge of Mom’s bed and talk to her about life.  Hours of talks, teaching and growing up.

The backyard where nothing would grow, now has trees that a taller than the house. The place where the swimming pool sat, the area where the deck was that I would spend in the sun listening to music.  The driveway where my friends and I would lay on to look at the clouds float by.  Never do you think that this time would come….but here it is.

 

Today, as I load the last into the Uhaul, finish the clean-up, get the boxes ready that will be donated, I sit in an awesome wonder.  A tearful joy.  My Mom was great.  And as I drive out of the driveway and down my street for the last time to my home, I look back one more time,  Thank You God for this family of mine.  Thank You for my Mom and my Dad.  Hold them close to You Lord. 

Until we meet again.

And as my Mom always said,

“Well, I guess that’s about it for here………..”

 

 

 

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Mom and Me

I don’t like where I’m at right now.  In the Hospice, watching my Mom.  Just like I watched my Dad.  She is slowly moving away from me.  I know she can hear me.  Hear us.  Me, my sisters and my husband.  I’ve talked alot to her about God, Jesus, and going home.  I know that she just wants to go.  But for some reason she is hanging on.  I have my ideas why, but only she knows.  And God.

There is so much I want to tell her now, I have wanted her to be interested in what I have had to say. And she did allow me to at times.  Now I sit and watch and wait.  I know what to expect this time, only going through this about a year in a half ago with Dad.  Hospice is the most awesome place.  They are a wonderful group of people who have the heart of saints.  I have been here one week tomorrow.  I don’t think we will be here much longer. 

I want her to wake up one more time.  We don’t get what we want.

Be sure to love your parents.  Don’t have regrets when you find yourself in this place.  I know I have shared my heart with them.  I am glad I have their blood, ideas and dreams inside me.  I’m blessed, even with the times that were so hard, to have had these parents. 

God, I love you. 

more later…..

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